An elderly man and his wife were dining at a restaurant. After the man received his food, he carefully cut his portions in half and gave them to his wife, who just sat there, not eating. The waitress noticed that the lady wasn't eating her half and said, "I think it's so sweet that you two share your meal, but why aren't you eating your half?" The old lady said, "I'm waiting for the teeth!"

A farmer's mule kicked his mother-in-law to death. Farmers from all over the county turned out for the funeral. The minister looked over the crowded church and commented to the farmer, "What a popular woman! See how many men have left their fields to attend her funeral." "They're not here for the funeral," said the farmer. "They're here to borrow my mule!"

A man saw three parrots in a pet shop and asked prices. "Well," said the storeowner, "that first parrot is $500 because he knows 1,000 words and can type 40 words per minute. The second parrot costs $1,000 because it knows even more words that the first parrot, plus it can program UNIX scripts, fix broken printers and make PowerPoint presentations." "Wow! But how much is the third parrot?" "Oh, he's $5,000." "Five grand! What can it do?" "Well, to be honest, I've never seen it do anything," said the storeowner, "but the other two call him, 'Boss.'"

A man visited a witch doctor and asked him if he could remove a curse he's been living with for the last forty years. The witch doctor says, "I can try, but you'll have to tell me the exact words used to put this curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife!"

Bob answered the phone. It was his attorney. "Bob, I've got bad news and worse news. Which do you want first?" said his lawyer. "Uh, I guess the bad news." "Your wife found a picture worth a million dollars!" "That's the bad news? I can't wait to hear the worse news." "It's of you and your secretary!"

A bartender kept his pet rabbit with him for those times when business was quiet. One day, while his rabbit played on the bar, it left some droppings where the bartender didn't notice them. A customer sat down at the bar and had a few drinks before noticing the little pellets on the counter. "What's that?" he asked. The bartender replied, "Those are smart pills." The guy popped a few in his mouth and chewed them. He spat them out and yelled, "Ugh! That tastes like SH*T!!" The bartender replied, "See. You're getting smarter already!"