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 | A man was working
on his home computer when his little daughter sneaked up behind him.
Suddenly, she ran into the kitchen, squealing, "Mommy! Mommy! I know
Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "Really? What is it?" Proudly
she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!" |
 | A man, called to
testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on how to dress. "Wear
your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper." Then he asked
his lawyer the same question, but got this advice. "Wear your most elegant
suit and tie. Don't let them intimidate you." Confused, the man went to
his experienced dad. "Let me tell you a story," replied his dad. "A young woman
asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother replied,
'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes all the way up to your
neck!' But then she asked her best friend, who said, 'Wear your most sexy
negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.' But then she went…"
"Wait a minute, " the man interrupted, "exactly what does all this
have to do with the IRS and me?" "Simple," said his dad. "No matter what
you wear, you're going to get screwed." |
 | A man watched a
highway crew working along the road. One man dug a series of holes two or
three feet deep. Another man followed behind him, filling in the holes.
Mystified, the man approached the crew and asked, "What's going on here?
"One of you digs holes and the other fills them in. You accomplish
nothing, other than wasting taxpayer's money!" "Hold on, mister," said one
man, leaning on his shovel. "Normally, there are three of us--Freddie, Tom
and me. I dig a hole. Freddie puts a tree in the hole. Tom shovels the
dirt back. Just because Freddie's out sick, that doesn't mean that Tom and
I can't do our jobs!" |
 | A grasshopper
climbs up on a barstool. The bartender says, "Hey, we've got a drink named
after you!" The grasshopper says, "No kidding? Well, then, gimme a Steve!"
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 | A big-city lawyer
went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell
into a farmer's field. As the lawyer climbed over the farmer's fence, an
elderly man drove up on his tractor. "What do you think you're doin',
friend?" The lawyer said, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, so
I'm going to retrieve it." The farmer replied, "No, you're not. This is my
property and you don't have permission to enter it." The indignant lawyer
said, "Don't you recognize me? I'm one of the best lawyers in the country!
If you don't let me take my duck, I'll sue you for everything you're
worth!" The old farmer smiled. "You may be a big-shot lawyer, but you
don't know how we do things here in Texas. Small disagreements like this
are always settled by the Texas 3-Kick Rule." "What's the Texas 3-Kick
Rule?" "It's simple: first, I kick you three times. Then, you kick me
three times. And so on, back and forth, until one of us gives up." The
lawyer sized up the old codger and decided he could take him easily.
"Sounds good to me, old man." The farmer climbed down from his tractor,
walked over to the city slicker, and planted the steel-reinforced toe of
his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, dropping him to his knees.
His second kick broke the man's nose. His third kick to a kidney nearly
caused the attorney to admit defeat, but he summoned every last bit of his
will power and staggered to his feet. "Okay, you old coot! That's 3 kicks.
Now it's my turn!" The old farmer just smiled. "Naw, I give up. You can
have the duck!" |
 | A magician working
a Caribbean cruise ship did the same tricks every week since the audience
always changed. The captain's parrot watched the magic show every night
and eventually caught onto the tricks. Once he did, he started
interrupting the show: "That's not the same hat." "He hid the flowers
under the table!" "All the cards are the ace of spades!" The magician was
furious but what could he do? It was the captain's parrot! One night, the
ship struck a reef and sank. The magician grabbed a scrap of wood and, of
course, the parrot perched on the other end. They stared at each other,
but neither spoke. Finally, when the sun rose and it was obvious that
there was nothing left but flotsam and jetsam, the parrot spoke. "All
right. I give up. What in the hell did you do with the ship?!" |
 | A guy queues up at
a soda machine behind a blonde who just keeps buying. One minute passes,
two, five, ten, and still she just keeps putting in money. She must have a
hundred cans of Coke stacked all around her. His patience completely gone,
the man tapped her on the shoulder. "Are you ever going to stop?" he
asked. She replied, "Not while I'm winning!" |
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