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bulletA man was working on his home computer when his little daughter sneaked up behind him. Suddenly, she ran into the kitchen, squealing, "Mommy! Mommy! I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "Really? What is it?" Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

 

bulletA man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on how to dress. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got this advice. "Wear your most elegant suit and tie. Don't let them intimidate you." Confused, the man went to his experienced dad. "Let me tell you a story," replied his dad. "A young woman asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother replied, 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes all the way up to your neck!' But then she asked her best friend, who said, 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.' But then she went…" "Wait a minute, " the man interrupted, "exactly what does all this have to do with the IRS and me?" "Simple," said his dad. "No matter what you wear, you're going to get screwed." 

 

bulletA man watched a highway crew working along the road. One man dug a series of holes two or three feet deep. Another man followed behind him, filling in the holes. Mystified, the man approached the crew and asked, "What's going on here? "One of you digs holes and the other fills them in. You accomplish nothing, other than wasting taxpayer's money!" "Hold on, mister," said one man, leaning on his shovel. "Normally, there are three of us--Freddie, Tom and me. I dig a hole. Freddie puts a tree in the hole. Tom shovels the dirt back. Just because Freddie's out sick, that doesn't mean that Tom and I can't do our jobs!"

 

bulletA grasshopper climbs up on a barstool. The bartender says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "No kidding? Well, then, gimme a Steve!"

 

bulletA big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field. As the lawyer climbed over the farmer's fence, an elderly man drove up on his tractor. "What do you think you're doin', friend?" The lawyer said, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, so I'm going to retrieve it." The farmer replied, "No, you're not. This is my property and you don't have permission to enter it." The indignant lawyer said, "Don't you recognize me? I'm one of the best lawyers in the country! If you don't let me take my duck, I'll sue you for everything you're worth!" The old farmer smiled. "You may be a big-shot lawyer, but you don't know how we do things here in Texas. Small disagreements like this are always settled by the Texas 3-Kick Rule." "What's the Texas 3-Kick Rule?" "It's simple: first, I kick you three times. Then, you kick me three times. And so on, back and forth, until one of us gives up." The lawyer sized up the old codger and decided he could take him easily. "Sounds good to me, old man." The farmer climbed down from his tractor, walked over to the city slicker, and planted the steel-reinforced toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, dropping him to his knees. His second kick broke the man's nose. His third kick to a kidney nearly caused the attorney to admit defeat, but he summoned every last bit of his will power and staggered to his feet. "Okay, you old coot! That's 3 kicks. Now it's my turn!" The old farmer just smiled. "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"

 

bulletA magician working a Caribbean cruise ship did the same tricks every week since the audience always changed. The captain's parrot watched the magic show every night and eventually caught onto the tricks. Once he did, he started interrupting the show: "That's not the same hat." "He hid the flowers under the table!" "All the cards are the ace of spades!" The magician was furious but what could he do? It was the captain's parrot! One night, the ship struck a reef and sank. The magician grabbed a scrap of wood and, of course, the parrot perched on the other end. They stared at each other, but neither spoke. Finally, when the sun rose and it was obvious that there was nothing left but flotsam and jetsam, the parrot spoke. "All right. I give up. What in the hell did you do with the ship?!"

 

bulletA guy queues up at a soda machine behind a blonde who just keeps buying. One minute passes, two, five, ten, and still she just keeps putting in money. She must have a hundred cans of Coke stacked all around her. His patience completely gone, the man tapped her on the shoulder. "Are you ever going to stop?" he asked. She replied, "Not while I'm winning!"

 

 

 

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