Jokes

A man had been waiting for years to see his favorite baseball team in the playoffs. He got to the ballpark hours early, bought a beer and a hot dog, found his seat, and began to settle in to read a newspaper. Just as he got comfortable, someone yelled, "Hey, Steve!" He put down his hot dog, put down his beer, folded up his newspaper, stood up, looked around, and saw no one. He sat down, opened his newspaper, picked up his beer, picked up his hot dog, and heard, "Hey, Steve!" He put down his hot dog, put down his beer, folded up his newspaper, stood up, looked around, and again saw no one. He sat down, opened his newspaper, picked up his beer, picked up his hot dog, and heard, "Hey, Steve!" Enough is enough, he thought. He put everything down yet again, turned around, and yelled, "My name's not Steve!"

A man decided to take up golf, so he signed up for lessons with the local pro. The pro showed him the proper stance, grip, and swing and then said, "Now just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked a beauty, straight down the fairway and onto the green. It stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the man asked the shocked pro. "Uh, you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup.". "Oh, great!" said the beginner in a disgusted tone. "Now you tell me!"

Three men are in a sauna when suddenly something starts beeping. The first man presses his elbow and the beeping stops. The other two look astonished. "Oh, that?" he says. "I use my pager so much that I had a microchip surgically implanted under the skin of my arm." A minute later they hear a ringing sound. The second man lifts his hand to his ear and starts talking. When he's done, he explains, "I use my cell phone so much that I had a microchip implanted in my hand." The third man, feeling technologically defeated, leaves the sauna for a few minutes. When he returns, he has several pieces of toilet paper trailing out from between his "b****". The other two look astonished, but he explains, "Oh, I'm just getting a fax!"

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T, G, I, F." He smiled at her and replied, "S, H, I, T." She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T, G, I, F?" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S, H, I, T." The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said for the third time, as sweetly as possibly, "T, G, I, F!" The man smiled back to her and once again replied quizzically, "S, H, I, T." The blond finally gave up and explained, "T, G, I, F--Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it?" The man answered, "S, H, I, T--Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday!"

A blonde was sick of hearing blonde jokes, so, over the course of a few weekends, she memorized all the state capitals. The next time her boss started telling a blonde joke, she interrupted him. "I've had it with your blonde jokes. I want you all to know that this blonde is no fool. In fact, I know all the state capitals." Her boss challenged her. "Oh, really? What's the capital of Nevada?" She gloated, "N!"

A married couple was in the hospital delivery room awaiting the arrival of their first baby. The doctor asked if they would like to try his new invention: a machine that transfers a percentage of the mother's labor pains to the father. The wife was very much in favor and, well, no husband would ever admit that he couldn't handle as much pain as his wife. To start, the doctor set the pain transfer to 20%, after explaining that even that small amount was more pain than the father had ever experienced. But the husband took it in stride and even told the doctor to kick it up a notch. The doctor set the machine to 40% pain transfer. The husband felt fine. The doctor checked the husband's vital signs; he was amazed at how well he was doing, so he upped it to 60%. Still no problem. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband suggested the doctor transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She, her husband, and the doctor were all ecstatic. But when they got home, there was the mailman, dead on their front porch!