A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. ''WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?'' he yelled. No one answered. ''ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!'' Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ''Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?'' The cowboy turned back and said, ''I had to walk home.''

 

A blonde is working at the local Starbucks. A lady walks in and orders an Iced Cappuccino.''Do you want it hot or cold?''

 

A blonde walks into a library and shouts ''I'LL HAVE A HAMBURGER A COKE AND SOME FRIES.'' The librarian says, ''This is a Library.'' The blonde says, ''Yes I know. I'LL HAVE A HAMBURGER A COKE AND FRIES.'' And the librarian says, one more time, ''This is a library Miss'' The blonde goes ''Oh,'' and whispers, ''I'll have a hamburger a coke and fries!''

 

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'' The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a moron and your mom was a female moron?!'' The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

 

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. "Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

 

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have -- the older she gets the more interested he is in her.

 

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer, to let her know he had arrived safely. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously showed her neighbor the message, which read: ''Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.''

 

Two sausages are in a frying pan. One looks at the other and says, "Whew - tt's hot in here." And the other sausage says, "Oh my God, it's a talking sausage!"

 

Two guys were driving down the road when they saw a goat with its head stuck in a fence. "Hey man pull over here," said one of the guys. "I want to go screw this goat." He does, and when he is done he says, "Okay, now it's your turn." So his friend sticks his own head in the fence.

 

Mr. Maxwell, the Founder/President of Maxwell House was recently killed in an unfortunate accident. Mr. Maxwell was an avid sky-diver and during a recent jump his parachute failed to open and he was killed on impact. His friends remember the fact that he was an INCREDIBLY pleasant, nice man before his fatal jump. And so on his tombstone they inscribed: ''Mr. Maxwell, good to the last drop.''

 

Why did Beethoven kill his chicken? It kept saying ''Bach, Bach, Bach...''